“What’s that hill in my garden that I’ve just spent over £2,000 getting landscaped, ah a mole, will call a mole catcher. This afternoon a molecatcher from the affiliation of professional mole catchers turned up and wanted £60 to get rid of it? I sent him packing telling him I would sort it out myself. Went down the garden centre and bought 4 of those sonic mole repellers for £80”?

7 molehills on the lawn now but I’ve googled it and they don’t like smells, so I’ve bought a gallon of creosote (its burnt the lawn a bit) but I’ve poured it all down the molehills.

21 hills and they are now going up the side of my drive, down the pub at lunchtime and pulling my hair out. The barman said not to worry get a bit of pipe put it into a hill and plug it into your car exhaust, that will kill them.

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Farmer turns up drives onto the lawn hooks up to my car and pulls it off unfortunately I now have ruts in my what was “an immaculate lawn”.

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No new mole hills today and the molecatcher has been back and caught the mole. I paid him and realised it would have been far better to have done this first.

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4 molehills today, was up the pub last night and a mate said, dig in a bottle and put those kids windmills in them the noise will move them on.

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New line of molehills counted 18 now, bloody thing!  My next-door neighbour said to bury a transistor radio and bury bottles with the open end facing up, the wind blows through and the noise moves them on.

It’s rained in the night and there are now close to 30 molehills. So I drive my car onto the lawn, plug in the pipe and exhaust fumes are going into a hill. Shit due to the rain the car is now stuck on the lawn. That night I phone a farmer mate and he said he will be here in the morning to help get my car of the lawn.

I phone Kim the molecatcher back up. My garden looks like a World War 1 battle field, windmills, bottles, dead grass and the radio pumping out let it be by the Beatles. Kim turned up this afternoon and put down half a dozen traps.

I took all the molehills down yesterday and there are no new molehills. Landscape gardener has been out and quoted a price to repair the damage for over £900. I Wish I’d paid Kim the molecatcher from the Affiliation of Professional Mole Catchers the first time he came.